I used to think that people would change, even when they weren’t really in the place to want to.
That when they came to me for help, if I just said the right things, listened harder, was there anytime they needed me…I could help them learn from what I already had to learn the hard way.
That my help would inspire them take a different journey to a happier life.
I have realized though that the older I get, the less work I want to put into self-destructive people. I know now to believe them when they show me who they really are.
I am ok with not letting them into my world. You can just let them live their life without affecting yours.
There is also difference in having contact with someone daily & seeing them once or twice a year. Once or twice a year, you can just co-exist with them in a social setting for the evening. That is manageable.
But when you have someone that you care for & their destructive patterns affect your own happiness, you just cannot take that daily drain. It will leave you completely depleted.
Often the person is too self-centered to realize how they hurt others as well. I have learned that you can love them, but you need to from a distance & without knowledge of their daily life.
I wonder though, is it really the other persons fault if you are hurt by the way they are living their life, if it isn’t directly involving you?
For example, if your friend is constantly getting drunk, always losing their job & their life is in shambles because they cannot make healthy choices.
You care about them & you hate to see them struggle. It causes you a lot of heartache & worry wondering if they will drink themselves to death or just waste their life in a blur of meaninglessness.
Is any of this their problem really? They are living their life how they want to & if they don’t have a spouse or kid that their decisions affect, then really it is their life to waste.
This is my grey area. This is where I go back & forth. I believe that in this scenario, it isn’t the drunk person’s problem that I am worried. They have the right to live their life how they want to. But I need to be very careful in how invested I get in their happiness. I need to give them space & love them from a distance. It may not be the drunk’s problem, but it sure doesn’t make it hurt less.
We are all responsible for picking who we trust to love & care about. Sometimes we care more then we should. Sometimes we like people who don’t like us & it can hurt.
I have been so much happier now that I have been looking at the relationships in my life with honest eyes. It helps me decide which ones to nurture & which to give space to.
It can be an acquaintance, an enemy, someone I love deeply or just a new friend. If you can look at how healthy the relationship is & honestly decide how much of an impact they will have in your life, you will not be left the only one giving.
I really do not have the time to waste anymore. Life is too short.